Becoming me.

These past few weeks have been…

I don’t even know how to phrase it. I have moved abroad to study psychology in Maastricht in the Netherlands: moving out. That alone is a lot. Saying goodbye to the home where I’ve lived for 19 years was harder than I expected. For months this was all I’ve wanted and it still was at that moment, but hugging my best friends and my family for the last time until “whenever”- that was hard. It didn’t make me want to stay, but I felt more sadness and insecurity than I thought I would.

But then Maastricht happened. Instantly I felt home. I am right here, right now. Almost all the time. My new life is filled with so much presence. So much appreciation for that presence. It feels like the numbness and heaviness of the last couple of months that came over me after coming home from traveling the world alone for five months just fell off. And I could finally be the person again that I was while I was traveling- the person I really am. Free and emotional, open to change, filled with wonder and appreciation for the world. So open to receiving everything. So present. So vulnerable.

I’ve met people here that now, in a matter of just three weeks, know me just as well as people back home that have known me for years or even all my life. And that feeling of immediately being open and vulnerable with someone and accepting them 100% (and then them accepting you fully)- that feeling is unmatched. It´s pure energy, pure flow. Nothing better exists than this form of connection. It´s an instant recognition, a RE-MEMBERING of the other person, as if you’ve known them all your life and at the same time new things are there to be discovered every second you’re with them.

Loving someone or something, as Teal Swan for example always says, is taking them (or it) on as yourself. They become you, you become them. And that can only happen when communication between you is like the waves of an ocean: constant. Giving and receiving equally. And with some people that just happens naturally. That’s what I have found here and I am so infinitely grateful and honoured that this is my life now. That I can have that type of connection in my life, that I am able to open myself up to the world and its beauty again and that on top of all that I am finally able to study what I’ve wanted to study for so long. I am working on becoming me and doing something I actually love doing.

Of course there are ups and downs. How couldn’t there be. I get anxious sometimes; sometimes there’s just too much happening too fast and often my mind can’t quite catch up with what is happening emotionally. Fear and disbelief comes up again. There are so many emotions happening: intense happiness and love and at the same time extreme fear and insecurity- and also self-doubt: what did I do to deserve this, maybe it´s all a mistake or just a break before something bad will happen again (of course I know that I’ve worked very hard for this, but insecurities and high expectations can still hit me). My life is never flawless, but right now it`s pretty perfect. And I can learn to enjoy that now, I am building the trust to let myself fall into that again. Through presence.

What I’m trying to say here is this: a new life, new possibilities are literally around the corner. Your life can change for the better in a matter of a day. As long as you allow yourself that change and as long as you trust yourself to be able to turn everything around.
This world has its beautiful sides. “All it needs” is a little faith. And coming back to faith when you lose it for a while. Keep dreaming, those dreams will come true.

Elza BuderComment